I’m not having children

I’m not having children.

As I feel my biological clock ticking I find myself asking will I have children? The short answer is that I’m not having children.

When most women think of children they think of little giggling babies and toddlers laughing as they frolic through a meadow of daises.


Me, on the other hand, I imagine the opposite. Drooling, sticky kids leaking out of every orifice they have. Unable to tell me what they need so they scream at an ear shattering decibel.

Funny Baby Crying_2


If I were to have kids it would be purely for the selfish need to continue my DNA. I feel the need to mould a “little Steph” into the image of what I could never achieve in my youth. That maternal instinct is in all women. All mothers want the best for their child, to not have them repeat the mistakes they made in their youth. Most mothers do a good job of it too. +1 internets to all the women who wanted kids, had kids, and love them despite the mess ( poo is gross).

I like to think I’m doing the right thing by not having a kid just because I want another shot at youth. So many women out there just should never have had kids and as a result have fucked up their kids.

I, at least, realize that I probably wouldn’t make a good mother. I have little patience for many things. I don’t like poo. At all. I don’t even deal with the cat box.Thank you hubby. The grossest thing I have ever had to deal with was while I was working at a store and someone missed the toilet. They literally shat on the side of the toilet and the floor. They also managed to shit on the mop that was beside the toilet so I had to buy a  new mop just to clean up the shit on the old mop. Both of them are in the garbage now.


My hatred of poop even extends to pets. Cats at least poop in a box, dogs just drop a deuce where they feel like it and wait for you to pick up their warm gooey crap in a little baggie. Me and hubby have a deal that he can have a dog so long as I never have to touch its poo.

I like my stuff too. With a kid in the house I would need to get rid of breakables, lock up valuables and kiss any disposable income goodbye.

I also enjoy marathon tv show watching and playing for hours on a video game. None of this is suggested with a baby in the house. Timmy, go draw yourself a bath and make me a hot coffee, mamma’s gotta raid night tonight.

I am a light sleeper so there goes any chance of a good night sleep for a long time. I suddenly understand my mom’s afternoon naps so much better.

Even the sound of a crying baby sets my teeth on edge. I think my body is programmed to respond to the wail of an upset child but all it doses is cause my blood to boil and I seethe in anger at the inability of the parent to shut their child’s noise hole. Now, I understand that a baby has to way to communicate but by crying. They lack the necessary motor skills to form words and say whats wrong so I’ll give them a bit of slack. But once a kid starts talking there is no reason they need to pitch a fit and shriek like someone was ripping off their toenails. I came up with the child muzzle concept on a particularly long bus ride. I figure if they have kids on leashes already how much harder would it be to have a muzzle too? If I ever had a kid and they pulled something like that I’d keep a wad of hubby’s dirty socks on hand. You want to scream with no purpose? Eat a sock for a while.

Apparently this is already a thing?


Just today I was enjoying the train ride home. It is usually serene, calm, relaxed. There is a whole different class of people on the train. I usually enjoy a nice nap on those 40 minute rides home but not today. No more than 10 minutes into the ride I hear a kid crying, jolting me out of what I’m sure was a great dream. I expected the parent to calm the child down. He must’ve been at least 5 and was capable of speech because he was shrieking words in with the pointless wailing. I even made eye contact with the kid at one point and shot him daggers with my eyes, shaking my head from side to side in a disproving way but I forgot that kids lack the social cues to pick up on this so he just kept on going.

This must be a common thing for kids as no one seemed concerned even as the kid’s voice was starting to get hoarse from the constant strain on his vocal cords. As I passed the father he just smiled  at me like he was doing all he could. WTF seriously? You did NOTHING. You and your spawn have upset the ride of everyone in this car and you didn’t  even try to apologize. Maybe this is a normal thing and if it is, I’m sure I would not be able to take it. Maybe I would get a sensory deprivation tank and plop the kid in there if he insisted on throwing a tantrum. Let him rupture his own damn ear drums.

It’s the little things that make me realize that I’m doing the right thing here for myself and for my possible child. I’m not saying no forever, just not right now.


2 thoughts on “I’m not having children

  1. You are the most self centered person I’ve found in a while on the Internet. You’re inability to listen to a kid crying is not the fault of the parent but rather your inability as a human being. If you don’t like kids then stay in your house and live like a hermit.

    1. I think you missed the point of the post. I wouldn’t make a good mother for exactly those reasons but living at home like a hermit? I think that’s a bit far. Life isn’t centered around people’s crotch fruit. Sure there are tons of special considerations for families and special rates for activities but the majority of the population is (gasp) adults. I even fall into the coveted category of someone with disposable income! I think if anything that incident shows the fathers own selfishness and complete lack of concern for others. He had no concern for the other people in the train and was only interested in his “snowflake”. Even then he didn’t do anything but let the kid scream until it lost it’s voice.

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