Cats are assholes

cats are assholes

I know its a broad statement, but I have proof to my accusations. I am sure this applies to all those of the feline persuasion but I can say, beyond a shadow of doubt, that my cats are assholes.

I’ve got 3 little shits bundles of furry deviance. let me introduce you to Lucky, Zedd, and Amazon.

Amazon – Prime Bitch


You ever wonder why girl cats are referred to as queens? This is why. Sure she is skiddish around new people but she guards her territory (me) ferociously from the other cats, even her brother. If she is sleeping on me and another cat comes around she poufs right up, starts a low growl, and will swipe at anyone within striking distance.

Zedd – Bully


Just looking at him you can tell he’s a dick. He’s a bully and jealous to the point that if I am petting someone else he will place his head between my hand and the other cat to get pets. He has been known to ambush the others as well if he is looking for a scrap. And yes all the cats are fixed.

If his food bowl runs out in the middle of the night he will sit on my pillow and either eat my hair or tap me in the face with his paws until I wake up. He has also been known to go into cupboards and knock glasses out onto the floor.

Lucky – Asshat


This cat is so vile that I am convinced he will outlive me and my husband just to fuck with us. This little fucker scratches everything. Most commonly he scratches doors, closets, windows, even mirrors, to go outside. He is an indoor cat since we rescued him but even after being with us for 8 years he STILL thinks this is going to work.

He doesn’t just scratch doors though. He loves to scratch furniture too. When we got Odin (deceased) as a kitten, Lucky was the first one to meet him. Lucky looked at him, scratched the couch for a sec, then looked back at Odin as if saying ” go on, give it a shot “. He did this one more time. Odin picks up on it and gives the couch a scratch too.  Well, there goes all the scratch posts we got, he’s hooked on couch now.

This cat ruined Christmas one year by eating a ribbon while I was wrapping presents. I had to return hubby’s gift to have the money to pay for his vet bill.

He has a deep seated hatred of paper products. He’s been known to rip into a fresh pack of paper-towels and shred it to bits. I’ve also caught him red handed unraveling a roll of toilet paper for the pure joy of it.

cats are like ninjas

I’m not the only one who thinks this, Reddit even has a sub for asshole cats.

I do love these little fur-bags but no one can deny the douche-baggery that cats are responsible for.

asshole cat with lazers

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