Anecdotes of a telemarketer.
I am the person no one wants to hear from, the scum of the earth (to put it lightly), a dreaded Telemarketer.
Without naming names, my job is to call business owners and offer prospective clients a free sample website for their business.
I am in outbound lead generation so when you cold-call 500+ people a day you are bound to have a few funny/awkward calls.
Here are some of my favourite conversations:
“Go stand on a corner and don’t call me” Can I do that without standing on the corner?
—
“No! I hate computers!”
—
“I don’t believe in computers” I’m sure they don’t believe in you either
—
“I’m not interesting” *hangs up*
—
“Are you fucking stupid? Don’t y’all know you can’t solicitate until after 5pm?”
—
“How much are you gonna pay me for this sample?” That isn’t really how samples work…
—
“Get a real job” I could have sworn they were paying me already
—
Me-> ” Hi. I’m looking for Mr. X please.
Lady-> “Ya? Well so am I! I’ll let you know if he comes back” *slams phone*
—
Me-> ” Hi, can I speak with Gladys Estrada?”
Cx-> “Sorry, I don’t speak Spanish”
—
Me-> “Hi, can I speak with (Lawyer)?”
Cx-> “Sorry, he’s in jail and will be for a while….”
—
Me-> “Hi. Can I speak with Carlos?”
Cx-> “Sorry, he is in federal custody right now. He’s probably getting shipped back to Mexico”
—
Me-> ” Hi, Can I speak with Frank?
Cx-> ” This is Franks brother Bob. Frank’s taking a shit, can I help you with something?”
Me-> “It’s ok I’ll call back at a better time…”
—
Me-> Hi. can I speak with Jim?
Cx-> Well honey you’re gonna need a seance for that. Jim’s dead!
—
Me -> “Hi can I speak with (…) ?”
Cx -> *whispers* “Dont say anything”
Me-> “Umm Hello? Is anyone there?”
Cx -> “Ya, but this is an elevator…”
Me-> “Oh, ok. Have a nice ride?” * hangs up*
—
Cx-> “Remove me from your list!”
Me -> “No problem dear.”
Cx -> “And don’t call me dear!” *slams phone*
—
Me -> ” Hi can I speak to the owner please?”
Cx -> “Sure one sec.”
*Call is transferred to another line*
Machine picks up ” We do not accept solicitations, please remove this number from the list”
And this is easier how?
—
Me -> ” Hi can I speak to the owner please?”
Cx -> “Sure one sec.”
*Call is transferred to another line*
Cx-> ” Hi this is Lenscrafters, are you looking to have an eye exam today?”
Umm what? Gotta wonder what Lenscrafters did to piss off that receptionist.
—
The following are bits and pieces taken from a book we keep at the office called The Big Book of WTF.
It contains conversations my co-workers have had with customers.
Cx = customer, Cw = co-worker
—
Cx-> “You’ve reached a way bad wrong number”
—
Cw-> “I’d like to show you a sample website for you business”
Cx-> ” I’m blind” *hangs up*
—
Cx-> “Obama put me belly up” Gee, thanks Obama.
—
Cx – ‘Can you make me a site that says the president is a big pile of dog poo?”
—
Cx-> ” I dont play computer”
—
Cx-> “This is a doctors office and people are dying! Don’t call!”
—
Cx-> “It’s against the law to have a website”
—
Cx-> “I don’t work with computers, Satan’s in them.”
—
Cx-> ” Put us on the do not call no more list”
—
Cx-> ” Why don’t you go somewhere else and play”
—
Cx-> “Tom spent so much on advertising we hung him! What can I help you with?”
—
Cx-> “I told you before, take me of your mailing list! I’m not near a computer and if I was I’d take a hammer and smash it.”
—
Cx-> ” It’s no bother, I’ve got nothing else to do but talk to you. “
—
Cw-> ” Hi, I’m looking for the owner of Carpet Masters.”
Cx-> “Did you check under the carpet in the corner?”
Cw-> *nervous laugh*
Cx-> “Maybe he is in a closet”
Cw-> ” Umm no?”
*hangs up*
—
Cw-> ” Hi can I speak with the owner please?”
Cx-> “Oh no, he’s in jail for killing a man and a girl … He’s gonna be there for a while”
—
Cx-> “You’re one of those closet queers aren’t ya? Fuckin’ queer!! *repeated 18 times*
—
Cx-> “This number is on the National ‘If You Do Not Want To Die Do Not Ever Call’ list”
—
Cw-> “Hello, is Chris available?”
Cx-> “This is Chris Available.”
—
Cw-> “Is Monte available?”
Cx-> “Monte is out in the river trying to find a salmon.”
—
Cx-> ” I don’t like to be solicited while I’m working on stilts”
—
Cx-> ” Yes! this is Dave! Actually …. that depends on what you want.”
—
Cx-> ” Right now I don’t have an email, my computer crashed.”
—
Cx-> “No. I took computer programming class and I was the smartest in the class. I quickly realized that computers are a sham. I don’t deal with them.”
—
Cw-> “Hi, can I speak to the owner of the business?”
cx-> There is no business so take my name off your solicitation.”
—
Cx-> “This is raymond speaking. What do you want: a handjob or a paintjob?”
cw-> “Excuse me?”
Cx -> “You heard me daddy!”
Cw-> ” I think I must have wrong number.” *hangs up*
—
Cw-> “Good morning can I speak with Stanley?”
Cx-> “What’s this about? Does Stan owe you money/”
cw-> ‘We have a beautiful 5 page sample website for his company”
Cx ” Well Stanley is belly-up, you need to give that website to someone whose still alive.”
—
