Anecdotes of a telemarketer

Anecdotes of a telemarketer.

I am the person no one wants to hear from, the scum of the earth (to put it lightly), a dreaded Telemarketer.

Without naming names, my job is to call business owners and offer prospective clients a free sample website for their business.

I am in outbound lead generation so when you cold-call 500+ people a day you are bound to have a few funny/awkward calls.

 

Here are some of my favourite conversations:

 

 “Go stand on a corner and don’t call me” Can I do that without standing on the corner?

“No! I hate computers!”

“I don’t believe in computers” I’m sure they don’t believe in you either

“I’m not interesting” *hangs up*

“Are you fucking stupid? Don’t y’all know you can’t solicitate until after 5pm?”

“How much are you gonna pay me for this sample?” That isn’t really how samples work…

“Get a real job” I could have sworn they were paying me already

Me-> ” Hi. I’m looking for  Mr. X please.

Lady-> “Ya? Well so am I! I’ll let you know if he comes back” *slams phone*

Me-> ” Hi, can I speak with Gladys Estrada?”

Cx-> “Sorry, I don’t speak Spanish”

Me-> “Hi, can I speak with (Lawyer)?”

Cx-> “Sorry, he’s in jail and will be for a while….”

Me-> “Hi. Can I speak with Carlos?”

Cx-> “Sorry, he is in federal custody right now. He’s probably getting shipped back to Mexico”

Me-> ” Hi, Can I speak with Frank?

Cx-> ” This is Franks brother Bob. Frank’s taking a shit, can I help you with something?”

Me-> “It’s ok I’ll call back at a better time…”

Me-> Hi. can I speak with Jim?

Cx-> Well honey you’re gonna need a seance for that. Jim’s dead!

Me -> “Hi can I speak with (…) ?”

Cx -> *whispers* “Dont say anything”

Me-> “Umm Hello? Is anyone there?”

Cx -> “Ya, but this is an elevator…”

Me-> “Oh, ok. Have a nice ride?” * hangs up*

Cx-> “Remove me from your list!”

Me -> “No problem dear.”

Cx -> “And don’t call me dear!” *slams phone*

Me -> ” Hi can I speak to the owner please?”

Cx -> “Sure one sec.”

*Call is transferred to another line*

Machine picks up ” We do not accept solicitations, please remove this number from the list”

 And this is easier how?

Me -> ” Hi can I speak to the owner please?”

Cx -> “Sure one sec.”

*Call is transferred to another line*

Cx-> ” Hi this is Lenscrafters, are you looking to have an eye exam today?”

Umm what? Gotta wonder what Lenscrafters did to piss off that receptionist.

The following are bits and pieces taken from a book we keep at the office called The Big Book of WTF.

It contains conversations my co-workers have had with customers.

Cx = customer, Cw = co-worker

Cx-> “You’ve reached a way bad wrong number”

Cw-> “I’d like to show you a sample website for you business”

Cx-> ” I’m blind” *hangs up*

Cx-> “Obama put me belly up” Gee, thanks Obama.

Cx – ‘Can you make me a site that says the president is a big pile of dog poo?”

Cx-> ” I dont play computer”

Cx-> “This is a doctors office and people are dying! Don’t call!”

Cx-> “It’s against the law to have a website”

Cx-> “I don’t work with computers, Satan’s in them.”

Cx-> ” Put us on the do not call no more list”

Cx-> ” Why don’t you go somewhere else and play”

Cx-> “Tom spent so much on advertising we hung him! What can I help you with?”

Cx-> “I told you before, take me of your mailing list! I’m not near a computer and if I was I’d take a hammer and smash it.”

Cx-> ” It’s no bother, I’ve got nothing else to do but talk to you. “

Cw-> ” Hi, I’m looking for the owner of Carpet Masters.”

Cx-> “Did you check under the carpet in the corner?”

Cw-> *nervous laugh*

Cx-> “Maybe he is in a closet”

Cw-> ” Umm no?”

*hangs up*

Cw-> ” Hi can I speak with the owner please?”

Cx-> “Oh no, he’s in jail for killing a man and a girl … He’s gonna be there for a while”

Cx-> “You’re one of those closet queers aren’t ya? Fuckin’ queer!! *repeated 18 times*

Cx-> “This number is on the National ‘If You Do Not Want To Die Do Not Ever Call’ list”

Cw-> “Hello, is Chris available?”

Cx-> “This is Chris Available.”

Cw-> “Is Monte available?”

Cx-> “Monte is out in the river trying to find a salmon.”

Cx-> ” I don’t like to be solicited while I’m working on stilts”

Cx-> ” Yes! this is Dave! Actually …. that depends on what you want.”

Cx-> ” Right now I don’t have an email, my computer crashed.”

Cx-> “No. I took computer programming class and I was the smartest in the class. I quickly realized that computers are a sham. I don’t deal with them.”

Cw-> “Hi, can I speak to the owner of the business?”

cx-> There is no business so take my name off your solicitation.”

Cx-> “This is raymond speaking. What do you want: a handjob or a paintjob?”

cw-> “Excuse me?”

Cx -> “You heard me daddy!”

Cw-> ” I think I must have  wrong number.” *hangs up*

Cw-> “Good morning can I speak with Stanley?”

Cx-> “What’s this about? Does Stan owe you money/”

cw-> ‘We have a beautiful 5 page sample website for his company”

Cx ” Well Stanley is belly-up, you need to give that website to someone whose still alive.”

 

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